syringomyelia

it's really weird having to live with this...condition..if you will. i never get used to not being able to fully use my hands and arms. it's so odd. i wish i could, i really do. i have dreams of being able to use them...but they're just dreams. i hope one day there is a better cure for this horrible defect..

i hate seeing other people unhappy. i'd give up so much for a sad person: a loved one, a stranger, an enemy.

have you ever had a panic attack?

bit and pieces from websites explaining what it's kind of like:


http://www.clarocet.com/what-does-a-panic-attack-feel-like/
Panic attacks, for some, feel like dying. Others describe them as a gradually increasing tightness in the chest or throat.  Episodes manifest differently in the body depending on the person and the situation.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack
Sufferers of panic attacks often report a fear or sense of dying, "going crazy," or experiencing a heart attack or "flashing vision," feeling faint or nauseated, a numb sensation throughout the body, heavy breathing (and almost always, hyperventilation), or losing control of themselves. Some people also suffer from tunnel vision, mostly due to blood flow leaving the head to more critical parts of the body in defense. 


http://www.helpguide.org/mental/panic_disorder_anxiety_attack_symptom_treatment.htm

Shortness of breath or hyperventilation Heart palpitations or a racing heart Chest pain or discomfort Trembling or shaking Choking feeling Feeling unreal or detached from your surroundings

Sweating Nausea or upset stomach Feeling dizzy, light-headed, or faint Numbness or tingling sensations Hot or cold flashes Fear of dying, losing control, or going crazy

___________________________________________________________
and even then, these are not enough to fully describe the feeling of what it's like to have a panic attack. you have to experience it in order to understand and when you do experience it, i'm sorry. i'm sorry you had to go through that. i go through it several times a day and it fucking sucks.

HOLY SHIT

my ex step brother lives in the same town as me. seems not so unusual but i moved away from the town we lived in together about 3 years ago and our parents divorced about 5 years before that. 

i’m at starbucks currently and some guy comes up to me and is like, “hey, russ over there says you’re like his ex’s step sister or something?? just go over there and talk to him”

so i go over there and i’m like, “HOLY SHIT, how are you man?? i haven’t seen you in forever!!”

weird how we both ended up here. really weird actually. he looks the same but last he saw me, i was like 12 LOL

i'm losing it

i'm crawling out of my skin. i want this to go away. it's all falling apart because of me, because of my insecurities, my flaws, my hopelessness. i need to get things back together. i need to look for the stars in the night sky again. we put up clouds to view but not to block our vision. i'm sorry for being so broken. i want to be fixed. this time, i want to be better. i'm sorry. please forgive. let's make up and hug and be in love.

crying.

i don't think my family even cares that i'm dying.  not that i want it to be a huge deal but when they make fun of me because well, i'm less of a human, it hurts. and instead of crying in front of them, i run to my room and slam the door because i know if i cry in front of them, they'll only make fun of me and call me a baby.

i'm sorry i'm weak and dying. i didn't ask for this though. i didn't ask for any of it.

i'm so afraid sometimes that i'm not good enough: not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough. i'm just not good enough in my eyes. although i strive to reach these goals and i normally do, i'm just not enough for myself. i need to be more okay with me. who i am. who am i?